Emotional Terrorism-How to Cope with An Ex with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I have a stalker. He doesn’t lurk in the bushes by my house with binoculars. He doesn’t follow me to work or spy on me while I run errands. But he still inserts himself into my life and the effects of his actions are present in my home. He is the father of my child.

Before I got pregnant I thought of narcissicism more as a flaw, like being self-absorbed or selfish which everyone can be from time to time.

Fast forward twelve years after the birth of our daughter in 2007 and I am now a walking textbook on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I learned the grueling way about this cluster B personality disorder.

The conflict between my daughter’s father and I escalated to the point where we ended up in family court when she was a 8 months old in 2008. He wanted her pediatrician to be in his town even though she lived with me her Monday through Friday and I didn’t live in his town. He wanted parenting time every weekend and revealed in court he was home from his weekly out-of-state job for five months. But never asked to see her even one extra night.

At that hearing in 2008, the judge asked him if he was willing to pick her up from daycare to start his parenting time on Friday after work he said no. He wanted me to drive her to his house so it was convenience for him even though I was working full-time. But he was forced to agree since the judge told him that he just wouldn’t see his child then.

Before the judge gave me sole decision making for my daughter’s daycare arrangements, I couldn’t understand why this man would agree to send my daughter to a particular daycare center and then a week later change his mind, leaving me to scramble to find a new center. When I offered him more time with her I couldn’t understand why he told me that I only a few precious days of vacation and time for myself every year. Above all, I had no idea why he was so angry and couldn’t put his resentment aside, move on and co-parent without conflict.

For several years, the only label I could give him was jerk. Well, in my mind I selected a stronger word than jerk, but for the purposes of this article I’ll stick to jerk. When my daughter was about ten years old in 2017, I thought about some of his characteristics: lack of empathy, sense of entitlement and superiority, being a bully, angry, and anger issues, to name a few. I typed them into the Google search bar. Voila! Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) popped up.

I was almost relieved to see that a psychological diagnosis that encompassed all of these traits… then I was horrified and devastated. This would not get better. He intimidated me, bullied me and threatened me.

I learned how to cope by appeasing him so that at the slightest inkling of conflict my self-preservation instinct kicked in and I let him have his way. However, in 2018 I had had enough and stopped bending over backwards for him. That’s when all hell broke loose.

Twelve wonderful years with my daughter. Twelve excruciating years trying to co-parent with a narcissist. I’ve read all of the articles that say instead of co-parenting try parallel parenting. The authors of these articles tell those of us who have children with a narcissist to disengage from the other parent, run our households without interfering with the rules of the other parent’s home and eventually the dust will settle. Then we’ll be able to co-parent successfully and get along.

But that’s not always reality. These authors never tell you how to handle schedule changes, obstruction of medical treatments, manipulation of your child and a host of other devious and deviant behaviors when the other parent is a narcissist.

My daughter’s father and I are not co-parenting. He is counter parenting while I do my best to navigate the chaos that he creates and raise our daughter. But isn’t that the point of the narcissist’s onslaught? Once you are a target, the harassment, the manipulation and the litigation may be relentless.

Even though I now know what I am dealing with, this doesn’t make it easier for me emotionally. E-mails from him are more like cyber attacks. When I see a message from him in my inbox, my heart races and my fingers shake. Will it be a threat of a contempt charge or a broken agreement that leaves me scrounging for a backup plan? Will it be a blame games or a name calling session that I can ignore or will I need to defend myself with a brief e-mail response in case the e-mail is used in family court. One any day that I don’t see an email from him in my inbox, my pulse is normal, there is no tension, and I get to relax for a short period of time.

The Holy Writ of narcissism is that it is an addiction to power and control. Yes, it’s an addiction. My mind was blown when I first learned this fact. Like a drug addict needs his fix of heroin, a narcissist needs to manipulate, control and in some cases terrorize.

Framing it this way helped me discern why my attempts to reason with my child’s father or present a logical explanation or appeal to a sense of humanity did not work for all those years. There is no reasoning, there is no logic and there is no humanity. Her father is compelled to “win” at all costs. And when he wins it feels empty to him because he is an addict. He needs to win even more.

While I am still learning how to create a healthier emotional space for myself and maybe even get some leverage, I am at least armed with techniques to diffuse some situations. Based upon my own research and experience, I have found some strategies that can mitigate narcissistic abuse. I will also explain some ways to conduct yourself and things to consider If you are in the middle of a court battle with a narcissist.

In terms of communication, less is more.

If you are court ordered to tell him medical information, for example, do so briefly. I typically tell my daughter’s father that I took her to the doctor, that she was diagnosed with X and that the treatment is Y. I then add that if he wants more information, he may follow up with her doctor if he wishes. I stick to the facts.

If he accuses me of something, I do not respond. He usually accuses me of doing something that he himself is doing. Narcissists often project their behavior onto their target. When I receive the baseless e-mails accusing me of some wrongdoing, it’s really his confession. He is actually telling on himself. This is projection at its finest.

Canned responses and The Grey/Yellow Rock Methods

If you do feel the need to respond a good canned response I’ve learned is from Tina Swithin, a mother warrior, child advocate and founder of One Mom’s Battle: Your attempt to portray me in a negative light is noted and I disagree with your interpretation of events. If he bombards you with more e-mails, copy and paste the canned response.

Taking all of the emotion out of your reply and keeping it brief and to the point are the tenets of what is called the gray rock method of communication. It’s name originated from the idea that people dealing with narcissists become like nondescript rocks and pebbles that we don’t notice while walking down the road. Since narcissists crave drama, the goal is to become as boring as a gray rock to him.

When he sends a crazy rant, curse at the computer, call your friend to commiserate or punch a pillow. Do whatever you need to do to release your anger or grief. But do not return his insane rant with an emotionally charged rant of your own. This is what the narcissist hopes you will do. Triggering you is his hobby. To him, you and your child are like two-dimensional video game characters that he expects to jump when he pushes your buttons.

Many narcissists are litigious because one way they can control you after your leave them is through the courts. If they file a motion, you must respond. If they file a contempt charge, you must defend yourself. This means that your e-mails might end up before a judge as exhibits before a judge.

According to Swithin, if women trying to co-parent with narcissists use the strict grey rock method they look cold. The sad irony is that we are expected to be friendly to our abuser. She promotes an alternative to the gray rock method that she calls the yellow rock method. It’s the gray rock method with politeness scattered throughout. Using the phrases please, thank you and have a nice day allows you to be boring but with a dash of kindness thrown in for the judge.

Another variation of to the gray rock method is the selective gray rock method. As stated on the 180rule.com website, selective gray rock is like using a decoy. Pretend that something matters to you that in reality doesn’t and the narcissist will focus on making sure that you don’t get whatever it is. The issues that actually matter will fade into the background.

I always must consider how I’ll be perceived by a judge in my e-mails, while still trying to protect myself.

Can Recording The Narcissist Help or Hurt You?

One time when I picked my daughter up from the narcissist’s home turned into a nightmare. In an effort to exert power and control over me, he texted me as I drove up to his house and told me that I had to politely come to his door to get her even though I had already made it clear that she was old enough to open his front door and walk to my car on her own. I had also previously e-mailed him that I was uncomfortable going to his door and I preferred curbside pick-ups. I texted him back that he was obstructing my parenting time and that I would call the police if he didn’t let her out.

His retort was “Yes, call the police, see if they help you.”

In a narcissistic rage, he barreled out of his house and stuck his face in my car window and berated me about how I am a “greedy bitch” and how much money I get from him in child support. He was angry because I expected him to follow our court order and pay his share for her braces.

His face was so close to mine that I could see the sweat on his brow and the madness in his eyes. My phone was beside me on the car seat and I fumbled to find the sound recorder so that I could record this verbal assault.

After several minutes, my daughter timidly stuck her head out the front door and I used that as my opportunity to coax her out of the house so we could leave.

“It’s ok, honey,” I did my best to soothe her. “You can come out.”

He paused his tirade and turned to see her standing there and strode up the stairs to his house leaving me to calm my nerves.

She sat down next to me in the car. “I’m sorry, mom.”

She had nothing to be sorry about.

I reported the verbal assault to the police in his town so that there would be a record of the incident. The police officer recommended I film him the next time I went to pick up my daughter just in case he did something illegal. It appeared that verbal assault didn’t count.

For the next pick-up to start my parenting time, I thought about bringing my husband along to “protect” me or calling for a police assist but I didn’t want to alarm my daughter with a police officer there. Plus, I assumed that since he had already had his temper tantrum it would be a calm pick-up.

On a Saturday morning two weeks later, I turned the corner to his street, the adrenaline pumping through my body. I readied my phone’s video app. He was on the prowl with my daughter at his side as he filmed me, a sardonic smile on his face. Her head hung low as he almost blocked her from entering my car, all the while mocking me. I wished that I had called for that police assist.

I recorded him on the advice of the police officer for my safety. He recorded me to harass me. He told our daughter because I filed an incident report with the police, he had to protect himself and prove through a recording he was not doing anything illegal. The more civil choice would have been to not record me and not harass me. She begged him to stop but for the next two months he was out there smiling as he recorded me on his phone. He would attempt to hug our daughter good-bye but she pulled away from him.

I thought that a recording of him would unmask who he really is if we went to court again. Concrete proof would convince the judge that he is the high conflict individual with anger issues. As emotionally disturbing as it was to not be able to get my daughter in peace, I thought at least that I had evidence that he had harassed me.

When I called my lawyer to tell him about the recording his response deflated me. Evidently, a recording may backfire in court because judges think that whoever is doing the recording is escalating the conflict. I emphasized that when he verbally assaulted me my daughter wasn’t out of the house yet and that I kept the phone hidden.

Still, judges have a fixed mind set. Circular logic seems to follow the family court system. While you need evidence to prove something, you’re not allowed to use the evidence to prove it but you need evidence…. Round and round it goes.

What if he was a stranger verbally abusing me on the street? Do I have more rights when the perpetrator is not the father of my child? Do I not have the right to live in peace? The answer was no. My lawyer told me that if this man harasses me, I just have to endure it.

When I told my attorney that I found out that he has a criminal record in Maryland for harassing a woman there years ago, it was again useless. He said a judge would see that as my searching for dirt on him. I told him that I wanted to use it as evidence that he has a history of this type of behavior. It didn’t matter. His criminal record could be used against me.

Narcissists Will Not Follow the Court Order But They are Afraid of Being Exposed in Court

He made getting my daughter’s braces another impediment to my living the quiet life that I desired. The court order states he pays 79% of any out-of-pocket medical expenses and he provides her medical and dental insurance. In addition, because he ended up going on disability for a medical condition, he no longer had to pay child support since the social security administration effectively took over those payments. He filed a motion to modify child support to zero and change the court order to make me the payor for her health and dental insurance. In an e-mail to me he stated he wanted a “satisfactory court settlement” which meant one that was in his best interests and then called the orthodontist, telling him not to treat her.

I would imagine a parent who deprived his or her child of a medically necessary treatment (her braces were not solely for cosmetic purposes) would feel ashamed. I wanted him to feel ashamed. He should have felt ashamed. But I knew that he didn’t.

When my lawyer and I were on the cusp of attending the hearing at which a judge would learn of his decision to not let our daughter get braces, he became more amenable to negotiating an agreement. The concern now was being exposed. While he personally believed that his actions were reasonable, he knew intellectually that preventing our daughter from getting braces wouldn’t be acceptable to a judge. The fear wasn’t about hurting his child, it was about being exposed.

When I went to mediation regarding the child support modification, we sat in separate rooms (I recommend this or the narcissist will try to intimidate you). The mediator spoke with him first and then came to speak to me.

I opened the conversation. “He seems like a reasonable level headed guy, right?”

She nodded. I had the recording of his verbal assault queued up on my phone and pressed play. Her eyes widened in horror as she listened. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a recording is worth a hundred thousand. Although the mediator essentially has no power in a custody case, exposing him helped her better understand my side and my reasons for not wanting to give in to his demands.

#MeToo to Unmask the Narcissistic Parent

If women in the midst of custody litigation post things on line or submit a recording as evidence we are accused of being the high-conflict parent. If a protective mother attempts to expose an abusive ex to a judge she runs the risk of being labeled a parental alienator and ultimately losing her children.

Similar to when women are sexually harassed on the street, we often pretend to ignore it and do nothing, letting strange men continue to shout cat calls at us and grope us. Women feel shame when really the men should.

Exposing men’s bad behavior is the key to change and it’s no different with a narcissistic parent. I believe that one of the biggest fears of the narcissist is exposure.The Me Too movement for sexual predators should be applied to unmasking the narcissistic parent as well.

Dealing with Court Professionals

If you’re going to court or have a guardian ad litem (GAL) or a child and family investigator (CFI), never say outright that your ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That will blow up in your face. Even if you’re a psychologist don’t say it. Without a diagnosis from a mental health professional, you will sound like you are badmouthing your ex which will be a red flag to the court. Don’t even recommend your ex get psychological testing.

While you can’t say he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you can show it. Narcissistic rage makes people with NPD impulsive and stupid. I don’t recommend creating conflict on purpose to wind up the narcissist, as that can backfire on you. Allow him to dig his own hole. Underneath the calm demeanor is a psyche filled with chaos, self-hatred and extreme insecurity.

When you don’t follow his “rules” or “behave” according to his specifications, you are reminding him of his lack of control. Narcissists lash out without thinking about the consequences. Their lack of control may be used against them .Present the CFI or GAL with his scathing e-mails and incriminating text messages.

Until family court judges become more educated about NPD, be careful with recordings, and ask a lawyer about using them in court. However, you may be able to play them for the GAL or CFI.

The Narc Decoder

In her book, “The Narc Decoder: Understanding the Language of the Narcissist” Tina Swithin from One Mom’s Battle presents the reader with tools to decipher the hidden messages in vitriolic e-mails from the narcissist. Narcissists speak a language of distorted reality, lies and projections of their shortcomings. The Narc Decoder translates the language of narc-ish so you can find peace and clarity.

I had taken my daughter for several sessions with a psychotherapist for issues regarding school, friends and other typical pre-teen angst (her father had approved of it). After her father began filming me at exchanges, my daughter wanted to see her therapist again. I notified him of the upcoming session. The next day, I received the following e-mail from him: You are not to take my daughter to see her therapist or any other therapist. Further, I have spoken with her therapist to discuss this matter and informed her that she is not to see my daughter. You have refused to speak with me or behave as a responsible co-parent since October. Your behavior has placed a great deal of stress on our daughter and sending her to a therapist is not the solution. Correcting your behavior is the solution.

Using the Narc Decoder, here is the real meaning behind those words: I own my daughter and she is only my child. I am scared that if you take my daughter to see the therapist she will tell her how manipulative I am and that I harass and film you when you pick her up. I am the only one who can make decisions for her and I will exert my control by calling the health care provider to veto your decision.

I will not acknowledge that you have communicated with me and instead will lie in an e-mail so the judge thinks you are not a good co-parent. I know that you have sent many e-mails communicating pertinent information about my daughter but I will still try to persuade the judge otherwise. I will place the blame on you for any stress that my daughter is feeling because I cannot take responsibility for my actions that put my need to punish you above her best interests.

Sending her to a therapist makes me nervous because then my manipulative behavior will be exposed. I again place all blame on you so the court thinks that you are in the wrong and I may continue to feel superior to you. I have no intention of putting my anger towards you aside and changing my behavior so that we may co-parent.

The Narc Decorder won’t change the narcissist. Nothing will change the narcissist unless he decides to change which would mean admitting that the narcissist has a personality disorder. The Narc Decoder makes communicating with the narcissist easier because you’ll end the brain damage to find any logic in his words.

Interpreting his e-mail to uncover the true meaning takes the sting out of his lies, accusations and blame. You’ll soon discover that it’s a frightened insecure shell of a person who is barraging you with emails, texts and phone calls. If you can picture him as a toddler having a hissy fit while typing his nonsense you might even laugh about it.

Give Choices

When your child was a preschooler, the best way to get him to eat his vegetables was to give him a choice. Would you like broccoli or carrots? If you need something from a narcissist, offer him a choice of two things that are acceptable to you. You get something you want and he feels in control. Not providing a choice may make him feel like a threatened animal backed into a corner. He may stonewall you or lash out like a tiger.

Always Remember Narcissists Lack Empathy

I mentioned earlier that one of the characteristics of someone with NPD is a lack of empathy. Sometimes people without this disorder forget this because they have the ability to sense other people’s emotions and it’s hard to imagine a person who can’t. It seems like such a integral part of being human.

Because my child’s father is on disability, she receives a portion of his monetary benefit which substitutes for his child support. As the custodial parent I am the representative payee and manage her money. He has told her many times that I am stealing her money and called the social security administration to have me investigated.

Of course his allegations were unfounded but even in the midst of the turmoil that I was going through, I thought perhaps he believed I was stealing the money and he was trying to protect her. However, I realized that would be granting him the attribute of being able to feel empathy. It was simply a strike to create more havoc.

Never Accept Any “Favors”

Be wary any time a narcissist is giving or helpful. If my daughter’s father offered me $100 I would say no. Literally, if he handed me a $100 dollar bill with no strings attached, I would say hell no. Narcissists don’t have one altruistic bone in their bodies. There are always strings attached. And if I took that $100, he would eventually use it against me and string me up.

Quid Pro Quo

Quid pro quo. Something for something is absolutely essential when co-parenting with a narcissist. Maybe he wants to deviate from the schedule. Maybe he wants to switch holidays with you.

Before realizing that my daughter’s father had NPD, I gave him extra time with her when he asked without requesting to make up that time. For me, doing someone a favor was never an expectation of getting one in return.

It wasn’t until the an employee with the social security administration (SSA) informed me that he told the representative that we have 50/50 parenting time because of the extra overnights he got (you know, my acts of kindness) that I changed my tune. He told the SSA rep that he should receive her monetary portion of disability because we share parenting time equally.

The only thing is, we don’t have 50/50 parenting time. It’s 65/35. He used my generosity to stab me in the back. Now, if he asks for even two extra hours with her, I make sure to get those two hours back. This may seem petty but you never know how a narcissist will twist your good deeds.

The other reason that a quid pro quo is imperative is that just because you do something nice for a narcissist, does not mean he’ll return the favor down the road.

According to clinical psychologist Al Bernstein:

Never extend credit to, or accept promises from, a narcissist. As soon as they get what they want, they will be on to the next thing, forgetting whatever they said they would do for you. Sometimes they make promises they don�t intend to keep, but just as often, they merely forget. Either way, you should keep a ledger in your mind and make sure you get what they dangle in front of you before you give them what they want. With other people, this mercenary approach might seem insulting. Narcissists will respect you for it. Everything in their world is quid pro quo. They will rarely be offended by people looking out for themselves.

Final Thoughts

At this time the courts don’t much care about emotional abuse and even with a confirmed diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, narcissists may still get 50 percent parenting time.

One of the most disturbing things my daughter has told me is that she feels like she has to make him happy. I know that feeling and the fear behind it. When you cross a narcissist, he will make you pay. In my case this includes mentally, financially and physically. She has internalized the message that she needs to appease him or face his wrath.

The good news is that as long as you are an empathetic role model, your child will grow up to be a loving and emotionally healthy adult. Children need one stable parent and you must be it. One of my friends whose ex is a narcissist reads books with her young children and asks them how they think the characters are feeling. She instills empathy in them because their father can’t.

On the days when the narcissist’s crazy-making is blasting at full speed, you still need to be composed and supportive to your child. I know those days when I’ve wanted to pull my hair out. I’m fortunate to have a loving husband and friends to hold me up when I want to crash. Therapy and meditation may help too. Self care is critical.

I’m also now an advocate for educating judges and other legal professionals about Cluster B personality disorders and family court reform. Activism provides an outlet for my frustration and anger. Yes, I’m angry.

I recently watched the movie Late Night.

Emma Thompson’s character, the arrogant snide late show host says “When you hate yourself the only thing that makes you feel better is to get other people to feel the same way you do.”

Because the father of my child is miserable and I have become his target, his goal is to make me miserable too. I sometimes wonder how obsessed a person must be to come up with such devious and cruel actions.

When my daughter turns 18 in a few years and I am no longer legally bound to her narcissistic father, I may even find sympathy for him. As difficult as some of my days are because of him, at least I’m not him. I can find solace in that and knowing that when my daughter is with me she is in a loving and emotionally healthy home.